As a man old and gnarled enough to be an official curmudgeon, I’ve discovered (because Divine Providence suggested to me, long ago, to collect them…feel free to disagree and attribute it to mere vanity on my part) some of my earlier pronouncements to kith, kin and clientele, were worthy of saving. Well, here they are. Use them whenever they are apt to your own circumstance in life (no charge) and let me know if they had any effect. When I get some time on my hands, I’ll blog in the context that brought them about in the first place.

“Is there no end to your ingratitude?”

“Mangio, quindi cucino” (I eat, therefore I cook)

“I am a voice crying in the wilderness.” (Admittedly borrowed from Jesus Christ, but, having children, I learned long ago what he meant when he said it; and, in my life, found it was often worth repeating, to Mo, not the kids.)

“Old habits die with the person that had them.”

“Politicians are more akin to milk than fine wine — they tend to sour rather than mellow with age.”

“I don’t want to live long, I want to live well.”

“If we all thought alike, we would have remained pond scum.”

“If you give grown-ups what they want, not what you wish to give them, they will cherish your attention to their needs, and miss you when you’re gone. If you give your children what they need, not what they wish to have, they will despise you for the first thirty or so years, then emulate you and do for theirs as you did for them, knowing it is right and not worrying about being popular.”

“Complexity is nothing more than a bunch of simplicities jumbled up so as to appear important.”

“If you want to get a job done, start it.”

“You are not dumb because of the color of your skin, your religious beliefs, or where your ancestors came from. You are dumb because your expressed opinions could only be reached by ignoring the overwhelmingly credible evidence that exists to show them to be utterly fallacious and outright wrong.”

“I’m highly principled — you’re just pigheaded.”

“If you’re just as smart as you ever were, then you haven’t learned very much.”

“There’s a light at the end of the tunnel — but it might be an oncoming train.”

“The ‘ignorance of youth’ is redundant.”

“No amount of worry ever solved the problem that caused it.”

“You can’t acquire experience by reading about it.”

“Marriage is one of the few mistakes worth repeating.”

“When you worry more about the side effects of the drug given to cure you, you’ll probably die from what ailed you in the first place.”

“Who but a humorously divine creator could have made such a marvelous universe, and peopled with beings so completely unable to comprehend it?”

“God doesn’t have to worry whether you believe in Him — you do.”

“If lawyers are so bad, try calling your family doctor or dentist the next time you get arrested and see what they can do for you.”

“I’m not always right — you’re just never around when I aren’t.”

“You are in the twilight of a mediocre career.”

“Go out and fail. That will give your fans a sense of your human frailty, your detractors a false sense of relief; and, your ego a much needed sense of perspective.”

“Nothing takes the shine off a college degree faster than a mis-spelled word — except for a mis-pronounced one.”

“Words is good.”

“The key to forgiveness is memory loss.”

“Love at first sight is mere infatuation.”

“Knees, Hurt, Pain.” (Mantra recited while ascending stairs, particularly at night.)

“You haven’t completely failed until you’ve given up.”

“Why would you care what a fool thinks of you?”

“One hardly knows where to begin.”

“A ship has but one captain, a plane but one pilot, also commonly referred to as the captain, and their stewardship of their respective charges is not a matter of popular opinion, but of their strict fiat, resistance to which is called ‘mutiny.’ The reason for this is that the ship’s captain and the plane’s pilot bear ultimate responsibility for their respective ships, crews, cargo and passengers, and with the responsibility comes the power to discharge same. The driver of a car is akin to a captain and likewise responsible for the acts of the passengers, witness the seatbelt laws that have been enacted, which fine and give points to the driver if a passenger is not wearing his or her seatbelt. Accordingly, when I am driving, kindly, SHUT UP!”

“Once you know why you behave in a certain way when provoked by a known irritant, it is no longer excusable to continue to respond accordingly to future provocations.”

“The husband and wife are one person, and the husband is that person.” (An old English legal maxim, taught to me by my ‘torts’ professor, the late Joseph Sweeney, at Fordham Law School, who used it to get dialogue started during our first lecture. It has been a conversation starter of mine ever since.)

“Making mistakes is the road to perfection.”

“I’m working like the donkey I am.”

“I know you like the trash novel you are.”

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder, as the memory grows weaker.”

“Sobriety is best appreciated when periodically interrupted.”

“Money never does a person any good, until they spend some.”

“The ‘search for the truth’ is rarely the actual mission.”

“Tomorrow is yesterday in embryo.”

“There are two kinds of people…and you’re the other kind.”

“Many a thing called ‘literature’ lined a bird cage or kindled a campfire.”

“Whether the glass is half-empty or half-full depends on whether you’re still pouring or are now drinking.”

“If you give a man a fish, you’ve fed him for a day. But, if you teach a man to fish, don’t  expect him to show up for work on Monday’s and Friday’s during trout season.”

“Mutation is Nature’s rebellion against conformity.”

“If you can’t believe in someone’s success, consider it their failed attempt at failure.”